Would you know this group is gay if I didn’t tell you they are?
Photo credit: Baton Rouge Equality March, June 23, 2012
The simplest, most accurate answer is you usually can’t tell unless the person tells you, or is out and doesn’t hide it. If you have a good gaydar you may figure it out (but don’t assume you’re right unless you check it out with that person), or they may tell you by various other clear means.
One in 10 people on average is not straight. They are gay, lesbian or bisexual. It doesn’t mean they know they’re gay. Some people aren’t self-aware enough to pay attention to what’s going on with their feelings. Some may not have added all the feelings up and gotten the answer. These people (like me) are usually able to grow their way to the person they finally figured out they are. Some of us are a bit slow.
As a young adult or older teen, you probably haven’t done much to set your life on a particular sexuality course, so taking one path isn’t so different logistically than taking another. In mid-life, you are usually executing your plan, and may have a family, so changing paths takes a lot of work and some pain. But being true to yourself is the only way to be happy.
Some know they’re gay but choose to stay in the closet. Closeted people are usually living a lie because they’re afraid of what might happen if they come out. They’re likely doing what they are supposed to do according to their families, friends, churches, etc., rather than following their own hearts. Living a lie is a horrible way to exist. Or they may have a good reason to hide.
They may be hiding because being gay in some places in the world will get you life in prison or a death sentence. Even in progressive countries, like the USA, being known as gay could make you the victim of a hate crime. Assessing the safety of your situation is the first question everyone must evaluate before they come out.
People don’t ask if you’re straight, why should they ask if you’re gay? Asking someone you don’t know about their sexuality is like asking somebody you don’t know if they had sex last night. Most of us would consider that none of our business.
Those who are out and don’t hide it are the biggest asset to the community. If someone isn’t hiding it, you won’t have to guess. The more gay people around, the more normalized being gay becomes. That’s the most important reason to be out. I don’t hide it, I just don’t flaunt it. If someone asks me, I’ll tell them yes.
You may find out if a woman introduces you to her girlfriend or fiancé, who is also a woman, or to her partner or wife. A man may introduce you to his male fiancé or boyfriend, or to his partner or husband. You may be introduced to someone’s two moms or two dads.
There are places where you’re likely to find more gay people because it is much more gay friendly and supportive. More people are out, too. Big cities with diverse populations have larger gay populations, and states that have civil same-sex marriage rights. Those states usually have taken care of the rest of the equal rights gays and lesbians seek, like not being fired from your job because you’re gay. Blue states are generally more accepting than red states. But even in the most friendly areas, there are still prejudices.
One thing is certain. More people are coming out and making it safer and more acceptable for others to come out. If people are out, you don’t have to guess.
Stay tuned for my next post.
can you tell if someone is gay, gay and lesbian, LGBTQ, LGBTQ civil rights, LGBTQ Human Rights
July 23rd, 2012 at 1:37 am
I don’t seem to have struggled in life with knowing, or not knowing, who’s gay. “Gay situations”, if any, have so far had the tendency to auto-sort themselves out long before they arrived ar awkward or embarrassing. I count on it to continue in the future. I believe it helps that I tend to be as interested in people’s behaviors, as in who they say they are. Categorizing people into groups of people – we all do it and we all benefit from its advantages, but on the downside it makes for approximations and misunderstandings.
~Beat
Beat Schindler´s last [type] ..The Paradox Of Compliments
July 23rd, 2012 at 3:43 am
Beat,
I believe you’re right and your experience is becoming the norm at an accelerating pace. You have obviously paid close attention to what goes on around you as well. Because you pay attention, I assume you don’t make snap judgments about who a person is.
There are still too many people who don’t pay attention to behavior, or don’t know enough gay people to know how to pay attention to specific behavior patterns. Unless someone is out and affectionate with a partner in the same ways hetero couples are in public, some people don’t have a clue until they’re told.
Unfortunately, some people need to be hit over the head with a 2×4 to get their attention. That’s why people should come out a lot more. You don’t have to pay as much attention to behaviors you’re familiar with when a new set becomes normative.
July 23rd, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Dear Sherri -
I think the only reason to ask would be if you were sexually attracted to a person and were heterosexual. It would be nice to know if you had a chance.
Otherwise, I think it is rude to ask. Anyway, who cares? I live in a big city and nobody seems to notice one way or another.
I had a close friend who is gay and I never knew it. Once in a while we would have dinner and she would bring a girlfriend – but we all do that. Usually, out of courtesy we ask if it’s Ok to include a friend. It usually is.
She had a high position in a huge company. She made a lot of money for them. Very smart and important to the organization.
One day, she told me that one of the top guys suggested she dressed in a more feminine way.
(Her company was obviously not very advanced)
She dressed beautifully – expensive suits – but conservative.
That’s when she told me. She asked me to help her.
We went shopping. The suits were fine. She just needed a few blouses that were a little more frilly.
We had fun. I love to spend other people’s money.
Mission accomplished.
As far as “coming out,” that is really up to the individual. Perhaps they have to live two lives – sad – but true. Some would really hurt an elderly and very religious person in their family. Best to just be quiet about it.
Years ago, many people of the same sex lived together. It was an economic necessity.
I know I had two aunties who did for years. I doubt they were gay. They were eccentric though. They never agreed on anything. Not even which soaps to watch on TV.
Corinne Edwards´s last [type] ..SO NOW YOU HAVE A DATE – And then what? – follow up by Sherri Joubess
July 23rd, 2012 at 4:29 pm
When it comes to male’s there are many you can tell by there actions. As for women, i sometimes can tell by there appearance. When i was young I could tell when they made a sexual pass at me. That was not for me.
Other than that I won’t say to much about this subject. i do not have a problem with people, but there are some that I don’t have to accept there actions. After all if we all decided to be gay there would be no more new people coming into this world. (that is a fact, unless you go to a doctor and that really is not the way we were created.)
I have to give you credit for this post.
debbie
Debbie @ Happymaker´s last [type] ..How You Can Stop Your Break Up, Divorce or Being Rejected in Your Relationship
July 23rd, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Corinne,
If interested in someone for dating purposes, the best thing to do is ask them out for a drink, and then possibly on a date after that. Just be clear your intentions may be romantic if things work out. You’ll find out then if they’re straight or gay. If they are gay, you may find a great friend who may know who to hook you up with in the straight world.
There is a big difference between those in large cities, especially NY, Chicago, LA, and San Francisco. In the deep south (except New Orleans), it tends to be a bigger issue, especially around keeping one’s job. More people are out down here, but some are guarded, and usually have private facebook and twitter profiles. I don’t b/c half my friends are gay, and the other half already know it. I’ve decided I don’t care who knows.
It may affect my ability to get tutoring clients, but I don’t think that’s the issue. People don’t want to pay for tutoring if they can help their kids any other way. $45/hr adds up, and the economy here is good in some professions and really bad in others.
It’s great your friend felt comfortable enough to come to you for fashion help. It’s surprising what a difference a blouse and a couple of accessories can make. I’ve occasionally had to do the same thing.
Most people really don’t care if you’re gay. Those who care the most are families who need time to accept it about their kids (usually the same sex parent has the problem). Kids are great about accepting parents if they are told before they hit puberty, or after they are out of high school, which today means they already know and are just waiting to be told officially. For some reason, tweens and teens rebel excessively when a parent comes out to them. It takes getting through high school before they calm down and accept it.
What a lot of people don’t realize is you have to come out to yourself and deal with your own homophobia before you can start dealing with the rest of the world. That part is harder the older you are. We harbor more internalized homophobia than we realize. How and when a person comes out has to be on one’s own terms when that person is ready. But in free societies, everyone needs to find a way to come out.
The biggest problem is gay and lesbian couples lacked and still lack the rights married people have, from pensions and social security to inheritance rights. Companies and the government don’t recognize same-sex spouses, so they don’t get survivor retirement or social security. DOMA needs to be repealed to fix that. Having some rights used to depend on a deceased partners family to respect the surviving partner’s rights of inheritance. Families have been known to contest wills and win. Many rights can be protected by legal contract, but the cost for a lawyer to put them together is very expensive compared to getting a marriage license and saying “I do” in front of a judge.
July 23rd, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Thanks for your comment, Debbie.
People don’t generally make unwanted passes at others except in a few locations gays would consider safe. Straight people wouldn’t likely be there. We tend to ask someone out for coffee or a drink, then a date, and so on, just like straight people.
Being gay isn’t a choice. If it were, why would anyone choose to be gay? When did the 90% of straight people decide to be straight? The only people that have any sort of choice are bisexuals.
There is a lot of scientific evidence supporting being gay is biological and people are born that way. It’s not simply genetic, it’s epigenetic and involves a complex set of genes being turned on or off in specific combinations with the mother’s hormones and immune system at various gestational stages of a pregnancy.
I’ll cover that in a future post.
July 23rd, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Interesting post Beat. I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone that question, nor have I ever been tempted to. I’m generally not bothered either way to be honest, but as I said it’s an interesting question to think about!
Joel´s last [type] ..Enhancing your Offline Marketing Strategy
July 23rd, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Thanks, Joel.
I’m glad to see this is becoming such a non-issue, as it should be.
July 24th, 2012 at 4:59 am
Sherri,
Being in the health care field and asking questions about lifestyle such as “what do you do for birth control, or is it necessary?” Then needing to explore why it is not necessary, ie. are you trying to get pregnant and need prenatal vitamins etc, or are you in a same sex relationship and do not need it? I have learned that you cannot assume anything about anybody, and I have learned to ask these probing personal questions without offending or seeming to make a judgement(which I do not). People feel vulnerable at a medical office and gay people have shared with me some very uncomfortable and judgmental visits with providers. (live in the south)
I can appreciate the huge decision it must be to come out of the closet if you work and live in a traditional/conservative community/job. Still, I think attitudes are changing, and it really shouldn’t matter to someone whether their co-worker/neighborfri/friend is gay.
Anne
July 24th, 2012 at 5:21 am
Like Joel, I don’t bother about this issue as much too. To me, god gives them this set of hormones for a reason and since they are born that way, I guess I have to respect that.
July 24th, 2012 at 8:55 am
In the old days, when people of gay orientation could not come out, I was a leader. If a person was a good service member, I really did not care as long as they obeyed the “rules” of conduct while on duty. Really, unless they told me I never knew. I know I squashed some rumors because I would not tolerate that from subordinates or from my peers. Say what you know but don’t play with someone’s career was always my warning to them. I am glad anyone can serve in the military if they meet the fitness and appearance criteria (no tatoos can be seen while in uniform.)
Bruce´s last [type] ..Are You a Strong Candidate for PA school
July 26th, 2012 at 9:08 am
Interesting post. I have gay friends, and have never really thought much about this issue except for the inequality of spouses. I also never realized how large of a percentage of the population is gay! WOW. Thanks for that.
As far as knowing, sometimes I think wow, that person is really ‘gay’ then I’m surprised to hear they’ve been married for years – so either they don’t want me to know or they aren’t. but who cares.
The only thing to care about is everyone living their lives the best they can?
As far as saying’ a gay person, or a straight person’, it always bothers me when I’m reading a book and we are moving along and then it says a ‘black person’ why doesn’t it say ‘white’ people first in the descriptions, or Latino, or Indian??
I don’t get it.