Lynn DeBuono, Cathy’s mom, on a live episode of What’s Your Problem?
This post is about the process Cathy’s mom, Lynn DeBuono, went through upon learning her daughter is a lesbian. Cathy’s story is in the previous post.
People need to hear LGBTQ coming out stories from those coming out, and they need to hear the stories of their families, especially their parents.
Anyone who doesn’t know someone who is gay often sees the issue in the abstract. Abstraction breeds indifference and allows those who hate to exist. Real people telling their stories humanizes the issue.
Please watch the whole video. It’s 18 minutes long, but again, you won’t feel like it’s that long.
Published by beckatz on January 11th, 2010 – in Parents Stories, Video Stories
“…apparently, and this is what I’m seeing over time and experience is, it’s the same-sex parent, if someone’s going to have a problem with it, it’s more than likely the same-sex parent that has the problem. I don’t really have an answer for why, but that seems to be [typical]…” — Cathy DeBuono
She and her mom talk about her dad. There isn’t a video with him because he passed away several years ago from lung cancer. He and Lynn had a very happy marriage, something we don’t see much today.
Cathy is a second-generation American. Both of her parents’ families immigrated to the U.S. from Italy. She was raised Roman Catholic, but no longer practices an organized religion. Lynn stopped attending church because they wouldn’t accept her daughter.
Another thing gay people may face is being disowned or kicked out because of ignorance and intolerance, especially if it’s religious. Fortunately, over 90% of parents come around to accept their children for who they are and put their families back together.
It can take years to normalize relations with your family, but it’s important to keep talking and moving toward that goal. Like Lynn said, it’s okay to bring your partner home when you’re in a relationship. It’s okay to bring your friends home, too.
Don’t settle for your family not accepting you bringing your partner or friends home, or not accepting you talking about anything that might hint at you being gay. There will come a time when you can be who you are and be loved and accepted for it.
This is the book Cathy sent her mom after she found out Cathy is gay:
Notes:
- The voice in the background is Cathy’s best friend, Lucia Gerbino.
- Lucia is the owner of Lucky Dog Leather, a business that grew out of Lucia making a pink leather collar for Cathy’s dog, Comet. You will often see Cathy wearing shirts from Lucky Dog Leather. If you need a belt or leather accessories, check them out!
- In this video, Cathy is wearing a Sweet t-shirt. Sweet is a lesbian vacation company with a strong environmental conservation and humanitarian mission.
- The photo is a still captured from the above video.
My next post will feature Cathy’s fiance, Jill Bennett, and her coming out story.
Please post any thoughts or questions in the comments.
Becca Katz, Cathy DeBuono, Coming out stories, Family accepting you're gay, I Want the World to Know, LGBTQ civil rights, LGBTQ Human Rights, Lucia Gerbino, Lynn DeBuono, Parents perspectives
September 30th, 2012 at 11:11 pm
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October 20th, 2012 at 9:42 am
It’s amazing to hear stories and how different families deal differently with coming out.. Many families don’t even know they have a gay member. Keep up your work Sherri
Michelle Vandepas´s last [type] ..Marketing Your Small Business
October 20th, 2012 at 11:17 am
Dear Sherri -
A very touching story – and human.
This mother loves her daughter but some of her dreams have had to be abandoned.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful interview.
Corinne Edwards´s last [type] ..WALKING OFF THE GRID – Are We Spiritual Yet? – now on Amazon
October 20th, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Michelle, I find family, and especially parents’ stories more interesting than the coming out stories themselves. Each of those stories is so much more different than each person’s coming out story.
I think it’s valuable for everyone to see both sides. Those who are considering coming out really need to see what parents will go through, and this may help them to help their parents through the process more easily. It also gives those coming out forewarning that when they come out, it isn’t going to just be about them. It will effect their families in some way, positive, negative or neutral. But it’s a major change, and change takes time and effort to adjust to.
October 20th, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Dear Corinne,
Seeing people tell their stories is so powerful, and it humanizes the abstract very quickly.
I’m glad parent stories are available, especially in cases where parent and child were extremely close before they found out, and how and whether they were able to get to that closeness again. Lynn and Cathy are closer than they have ever been. Cathy is 42 now and still talks to her mom nearly every day on the phone.
As a mother, when our children are born we do have a standard set of dreams for that child. I never thought of it that way, though I strongly believe that we have to accept our children for who they are, no matter what. “No matter what” might test us further than we can imagine. Lynn’s story was a paradigm epiphany for me.
October 21st, 2012 at 8:20 pm
Sherri, every form of coming out – of being authentic – I admire and am inspired by. There is risk involved. Something the un-authentic cannot stand, so they show you rather than themselves.
~Beat
Beat Schindler´s last [type] ..Laying On A Bed Of Flowers
October 21st, 2012 at 9:07 pm
Exactly, Beat. I think being inauthentic for any reason is sad.
Whether it be sexual orientation, career choice, spousal choice, or the choices you make to educate your children that your family doesn’t like; if you aren’t yourself, you’re not comfortable in your own skin.
It causes something I call doormat syndrome. We can’t live our lives pleasing others. We have to be who we are, and if others don’t like it, tough. It’s really not our job to go around making everyone else happy and make ourselves miserable in the process.
It’s taken me a long time to get to this place, and I still feel awkward in not putting up with my family wanting me to do things their way. I suppose my mom never expected a child rebellion in her 70′s. Oh, well…
October 22nd, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Amazing story. I really enjoyed the honesty in the video and it’s an experience I’ve not heard first hand like that before. Thanks for sharing!
Joel´s last [type] ..Top 5 Essential Tips in Facebook Targeted Posts
October 23rd, 2012 at 2:42 am
Joel, I am also amazed at the honesty and depth of the bond between Cathy and her mom, and how they worked through something that tore their relationship to shreds at first.
It took Cathy about 6 years to help her mom become completely comfortable and accepting of her orientation. She refused to hide who she is, nor was she going to allow the distance to remain between she and her mom.
I’ve never experienced anything like this first hand, and I don’t personally know anyone who has.
December 7th, 2012 at 3:59 am
This was a funny Vlog, and I liked it when you all talked about how to come out to your frndeis and family. I am coming out slowly to my frndeis and to some of the people at the university, but I didn’t come out to my parents yet and that is just because of how my parents behave and talk about gay people, and because they are sooo religios and has another culture that they are following.
December 7th, 2012 at 4:51 am
Ethan,
I’m glad to hear you’re taking steps to come out and live your authentic life. One thing to keep in mind is to trust your own judgment of who to come out to and when it’s right for you.
Starting the conversation slowly with your parents can be done in many different ways that help teach them about being gay without you necessarily coming out to them immediately. For example, if they like comedy movies, you might get them to watch “Out At The Wedding” with you when it comes on Logo. If you have Netflix Instant, the Chely Wright documentary “Wish Me Away” is a very powerful story. Her dad is an Evangelical Christian, but he was able to fully accept his daughter’s orientation because he knew her heart, that she is a good person, and if gay is who she is, then that’s okay. Find a movie, TV show or documentary (or a few) that you can use to feel your parents out and start exposing them to real gay people living everyday lives who are perfectly normal. Then engage them in conversations about the people, characters and situations in what you’ve just watched together. Start them thinking about gay people in different ways than they presently think.
You didn’t say if the religion you’re up against is Christianity, but I’ll use it as an example. When your folks say something negative about being gay ask them WWJD? What would Jesus do if there were gay people in villages he visited? How would he treat them? You don’t have to be confrontational, but call them out on it and get them to think and talk about it. You might start with “I don’t believe Jesus would think or act that way if he were here today”. Remember, the New Testament is full of forgiveness, love and mercy. The Old Testament is where all the wrath of God, fire-and-brimstone stuff is.
They may bring up Leviticus 18:22, and there are 8 other possible Biblical references they could use. Understand that being gay is no greater a sin than adultery, eating shellfish, wearing clothing of material made of two or more types of thread (cotton and polyester), women wearing pants, touching a menstruating woman, or failing to observe the Sabbath. They’re all punishable by death or banishment. There are hundreds of Old Testament Jewish Laws that most Jews no longer follow. They look at them as history, metaphor, and lessons that can apply to the world today.
I recommend the posts directly before and after this one for more perspectives from those coming out.
Good luck, be safe and always take care of yourself first. When you come out to your parents, I hope you’ll let us know, or tell your story on IWTWTK (Becca Katz’s website).